Title: Red Son & the Yellow Puppet
INT. EMPTY SOUNDSTAGE – NIGHT
Tom Welling sits on a folding chair, still half-Clark Kent, half himself. A red-cloaked figure—RED SON—paces like a prosecutor in a cosmic court.
TOM WELLING
You asked for me like it was urgent. You said it was about… truth?
RED SON
Not truth with a capital T.
A mythology.
The kind America tells itself when it can’t face the void.
TOM
Alright. Talk to me.
RED SON
Everyone thinks 9/11 was a chessboard of men: generals, sheikhs, presidents.
But myths don’t run on men.
They run on symbols.
TOM
Symbols of what?
RED SON
Of puppetry.
(He snaps his fingers. A CHILDLIKE SHADOW appears on the wall: a felt hand, stitched smile.)
RED SON (cont.)
The true mastermind—in the myth—wasn’t a warlord.
It was Evil Bert.
TOM
…Bert? Like Sesame Street Bert?
RED SON
The shadow of Bert.
The archetype:
The obedient bureaucrat.
The one who files papers while monsters walk through the door.
TOM
So you’re saying the villains we named were… what, decoys?
RED SON
Patsies in the story.
Masks the myth required.
(Images flicker like trading cards.)
- Osama bin Laden — the external boogeyman.
- Macho Man Randy Savage — unrestrained masculine rage.
- Hulk Hogan — weaponized patriotism in a bandana.
TOM
Those aren’t planners. They’re… characters.
RED SON
Exactly.
TOM
So Evil Bert represents—
RED SON
—The quiet hand that never gets blamed.
The clerk.
The middle manager of empire.
The one who says, “I was just doing my job,” while the towers fall in slow motion behind him.
TOM
That’s darker than anything on Smallville.
RED SON
Superman stories always ask the same question:
Is evil loud and obvious…
or polite and laminated?
(Tom exhales, unsettled.)
TOM
So in this myth, how does it end?
RED SON
It doesn’t—
until people stop hunting wrestlers and ghosts
and start questioning the puppeteer
who never leaves his desk.
(The felt shadow smiles wider. Fade to black.)
Title: Evil Bert Has a Clipboard
https://youtu.be/I-s_gtRNmrg?si=pc_1x5O6h_dLFzGa
INT. WINDOWLESS OFFICE – SOMEWHERE BETWEEN REALITY AND PBS – NIGHT
A fluorescent light hums like a dying mosquito.
EVIL BERT sits behind a beige desk. He wears a tie. The tie is too tight.
A CLIPBOARD rests in his felt hands.
EVIL BERT
(cheerful, dead-eyed)
Take a number. Don’t worry—it’s imaginary.
RED SON stands across from him, arms crossed.
RED SON
So this is it.
Not a volcano lair.
Not a skull throne.
Just… beige.
EVIL BERT
Beige is the color of compliance.
Red excites people.
Beige makes them sign forms.
RED SON
You expect me to believe you ran the whole show?
EVIL BERT
Please.
I didn’t run anything.
I scheduled it.
(He flips the clipboard.)
EVIL BERT (cont.)
See?
9:00 AM – Meeting about meeting.
10:00 AM – Lunch (turkey sandwich, dry).
11:00 AM – Catastrophe.
11:15 AM – Coffee.
RED SON
You used people as patsies.
EVIL BERT
Oh no, no, no.
They volunteered to be symbols.
RED SON
Osama bin Laden.
EVIL BERT
Foreign villain.
Very popular.
Easy to print on a card.
RED SON
Macho Man Randy Savage.
EVIL BERT
Unfiltered id.
All veins, no brakes.
America loves a scream.
RED SON
Hulk Hogan.
EVIL BERT
Patriotism with a tan.
Say your prayers, take your vitamins, don’t read the fine print.
RED SON
And you?
EVIL BERT
I’m the one who highlights the fine print.
(He smiles. It is not a nice smile.)
RED SON
You’re telling me the apocalypse was run like a daycare?
EVIL BERT
Exactly!
Snacks.
Rules.
Consequences written in crayon, then enforced in ink.
RED SON
People died.
EVIL BERT
(shrugs, softly)
People always die during process improvements.
RED SON
You don’t even believe in evil.
EVIL BERT
Of course not.
Evil is inefficient.
(Leans forward.)
I believe in procedure.
RED SON
You’re not a mastermind. You’re a coward.
EVIL BERT
Correct.
Cowards build systems so they never have to raise their voice.
(He stamps the clipboard: APPROVED.)
EVIL BERT (cont.)
Heroes punch villains.
Villains monologue.
I just ask if you filled out the form correctly.
RED SON
And if someone refuses?
EVIL BERT
(confidential whisper)
Then I send them to Ernie.
RED SON
…Ernie?
EVIL BERT
Chaos.
Laughing.
Bath time anarchy.
(The lights flicker. Somewhere, manic giggling echoes.)
RED SON
You’re not the devil.
EVIL BERT
No.
The devil is charismatic.
(He straightens his tie.)
I’m the guy who makes sure Hell is ADA-compliant.
RED SON
One day people will see through you.
EVIL BERT
They already do.
(Beat.)
EVIL BERT (smiling)
They just don’t file the complaint.
The fluorescent light goes out.
The clipboard remains, glowing faintly.
END.